Send in the clowns!

Apparently, my step-grandfather is a clown. Time to eschew obfuscation you say? Alright, my grandmother on my father's side of the family recently re-married after being widowed for several years. I know this because she included pictures of the wedding in this year's electronically sent annual Christmas letter, which came up as an Excel spreadsheet on my computer. The spreadsheet was full of delightful descriptions and photos of happy people enjoying a moment of wedded bliss. Seemingly unconnected with the rest of the document, in the upper left-hand corner appeared a grainy JPEG of a clown's head labeled with the text: "Buzzy" the Clown. Buzzy was the name also given to the man in the photographs who was holding my grandmother's hands reciting marriage vows, so I'm going to assume that both pictured men are one in the same. I suppose since the name Buzzy was treated with quotation marks and the words "the Clown" were not (the opposite of what I've done here) it is possible that a.) he is not actually named Buzzy, and b.) he is almost certainly a bona fide clown and not just a clowny, jokey sort of guy. Notice how the meaning completely shifts if one writes: Buzzy "the Clown."

Being a rational person I can see the positives and negatives to the new extended family dynamic. Having a genuine certified clown in the family has distinct advantages. A family member who can provide his or her own juggling pins, seltzer bottles, and purple 1970 VW Beetle filled with 48 clown friends is a financial goldmine come family reunion time. No longer would one have to hire "out of house" for such vital reunion necessities.

On the other hand, I can't say I look forward to the countless Christmas and birthday cans of nuts filled with springy fake snakes. Also, I'm not sure how many times I'll be able to take the inevitable squirt to the face from the pansy on his lapel. Nor do I imagine that a clown suit is machine washable. The dry-cleaning bills will most likely be astronomical for my grandmother once cream pie throwing season arrives. That's why I hope that Buzzy (if that's even his real name) is that kind of hobo clown who wears only a barrel with suspenders attached to it. Easy cleaning and maintenance!

If you would like to hire him for birthdays or Bar/Bat Mitzvahs please contact me. I am told that his schedule for 2007 is pretty much full, but there are still many dates available in March and August of 2008. Book before September and his services will include balloon animals for a party of twenty-five. High-diving trick pony is extra charge.