Does John Kerry cut hair too?

John Edwards, 2004 Democratic Presidential Ticket running mate of John Kerry, has opened a hair salon in Vienna, Virginia just outside of the Capitol Beltway. But, apparently, he is not one of his own clients. This brings me to one of the biggest issues I have with the Legislative Branch of the U.S. government. Why is there nary a good hairstyle to be found amongst the representatives of our nation? Helmet Hair seems to be the unchallenged status quo with these folks. As much as I would like to refer to video captures of C-SPAN and C-SPAN 2, I'm forced to address publicity photos of Brad Pitt, Jake Gyllenhaal, or Jude Law for ideas to give to my hairstylist. Perhaps it's a prerequisite to being elected to public office, whether you are a man or a woman, that your hair look as if it were coiffured at the Legoland University College of Salon Arts (or LUCSA). Myself, I wouldn't trust those guys with my hair: all stupid grins, beady unblinking eyes, and no nose at all. And how articulate could those C-clamp hands of theirs be? I don't see an opposable thumb, do you? An opposable thumb is an absolute necessity when using or running with scissors! They can't even bend at the elbows or knees. And besides, they're still students; I should think any sensible person would prefer a certified professional to someone who's still learning their craft.

Perhaps the solution is to relocate INSIDE the beltway. Since senators are notorious for staying within the Washington D.C. border (when was the last time you actually saw your senator in your home state?), Mr. Edwards is going to have to take the approach of TGI Fridays, Starbucks, and the Smithsonian, and cater to those intractable D.C. insiders by opening branches somewhere between the two K Streets. Yes, D.C. has two K streets, sheer city-planning genius. I suggest Mr. Edwards bring his services to the Mall. This would open up his clientele to tourists and protesters as well. Perhaps his barber services could even be like those three-wheeled McDonalds carts or "street meat" trucks you see tooling around. Wheeled-cart barber services: completely mobile and able to meet the needs of active go-getters who don't have time for stationary, free-standing buildings. Maybe he could offer free CIA or FBI t-shirts or hats with a cut. Tourists love those.

Here's hoping that the hairstyles of our nation's representatives improve!