Meat and Liquor? Like Guns and Butter? Not even close.

Tommy's Joynt restaurant is a classic San Francisco hangout. The original Tommy, a San Francisco radio personality and Parks Commissioner named Tommy Harris, opened his restaurant in 1947. The restaurant has enjoyed a sort of "Cheers" notoriety and has seen the business of Pulitzer Prize winning columnist Herb Caen, opera singer Jussi Björling, and senator Dianne Feinstein. So what is it that sets Tommy's Joynt apart from other establishments? It could be the enormous selection of hearty items, all for under $8 and many for under $5; however, my guess is that the pledge of Hot Corned Beef Cocktails as advertised by a neon sign in the window (as pictured above) is what brings the customers in droves. That, or perhaps it's the ingenious way in which the "y" in "Joynt" on the restaurant sign resembles a little cocktail glass... perhaps filled with juicy hot corned beef grain alcohol.

Upon entering the establishment, I sat down at the bar intending to order a Hot Corned Beef Cocktail. I figured combining two items I enjoy separately would yield fantastic results. It made me wonder about other potentially glorious culinary coalitions: rare prime rib and Boston cream pie, hollandaise sauce and Orange Julius, Neapolitan ice cream and turkey bacon! YUMMY! I decided the Hot Corned Beef Cocktail could use a Sauerkraut and Russian Dressing Tom Collins chaser and began an addendum to my order when the bar tender interrupted me.

I was pained to discover that the neon sign in the window was sheer false advertising. The bar tender claimed that "Hot Corned Beef" and "Cocktails" were two separate offerings and that Tommy's Joynt did, in fact, serve both but not together in the same glass. Despite a threat of a call to the Better Business Bureau of San Francisco to report their specious promise of a tasty meat beverage, the bar tender declined to make me a Hot Corned Beef Cocktail. I insisted that I'd settle for lukewarm corned beef. He refused my compromise. Well then, how about some corned beef-infused vodka on the rocks? No dice. Pinto beans and hamhock gin martini? Nope. And, get this, even though Dungeness is truly huge in San Francisco they didn't have even a halfway respectable 12-year-old crab cake bourbon. I was forced to settle for a Miller Genuine Draft and the BBQ Sloppy Joe Sandwich with mashed potatoes. Of course, I had to mix them together myself, but ultimately it was quite tasty!

Playing the 'Numbers' Game

A time-tested tradition of inserting a verb in gerund form into titles of both television shows and movies is being challenged by a growing trend. As common as it has been to see movies and TV programs with titles like: "Waiting," "Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon," "Saving Silverman," "Kissing Jessica Stein," "Crossing Jordan," "Stealing Heaven" and any number of other "Stealing ---" movies and television shows, "Running Scared" AND "With Scissors," "Chasing" AND "Judging Amy," and "Kicking and Screaming" (double points for two gerund form verbs!) the winds of change are beginning to blow.

The new guideline in television is that all shows must have some kind of number or reference to a number in the title. "Studio 60," "30 Rock," "Six Degrees," "The Nine," and "3 lbs." are all new shows which adhere to this rule. There's even a show called "Numb3rs." Note the number in the name as well as the name actually being 'Numbers.' How clever! Clearly, television producers are simply responding to the overwhelming success of shows like "Six Feet Under," "Third Rock From the Sun," and "Two and a Half Men," and have decided that the success of these television shows is based not on the chemistry of the cast or the writing, but rather on the careful selection of a title which caters to our inherent American sensibilities, in this case our incontestable love of... numerals(!?!). It's not just television, Hollywood has joined 'number mania' ("21 Grams," "2 Fast 2 Furious," "Cheaper By the Dozen," and "Cheaper By the Dozen 2"). Strangely, secondary educational institutions, which are often a reliable barometer of pop culture trends don't seem to be following suit. Majors in Math, Science, and even Numerology remain conspicuously low compared with other countries of similar social and economic demographic makeup. But are the institutions to blame? According to former Harvard President Lawrence H. Summers and Teen Talk Barbie, it is undeniable that for at least half of the population, "Math is hard!"

Clearly, Americans love numbers, but they don't like to "do math." That is why I am going to suggest the following changes. DVDs, videos, and books ought to be repackaged, replacing words or letters with numbers whenever possible. New titles will be "6 and the City," "What's 8-ing Gilb3rt Gr8p," 'Who's Afr8 of Virginia WØlf," "2 Kill a Mock1ngb1rd," "Harold and Kumar Go 2 Wh8t Castle," and "An American Tail: 5-L Goes West." We could even tweak "Fahrenheit 451" to "Fahrenh8 451." I think the gr8er appeal of the latter title is obvious. That being said, DVDs, videos, or books with mathematical principals or concepts in their titles or content will be renamed or retooled accordingly. For example, the movie "π" will become "American Pie 4." Everything between the front and back covers of Stephen Hawking's book "A Brief History of Time" will be replaced with 224 pages of Count von Count retrospectives, and so on.

"Thrrrree! Ah! Ah! Ah! I love to count!"

Infamous... He's not just famous, he's IN-famous!

The movie "Infamous" has now been in the theaters since mid-October and I still haven't seen it. I saw "Capote" last year and although I'm missing out on what some reviews have described as a "funnier" version of "Capote" my main question really has nothing to do with the comedic aspects of "Infamous." Like most movie-goers I'm confused as to why Hollywood has chosen to produce two films of the same subject matter in just over a year. That being said, I can certainly see the necessity for a "funnier" look at the eccentricities of Truman Capote. Last year's attempt was not very funny at all! In fact, I thought "Capote" was supposed to be a drama, that's how un-funny it was!

I think that if Hollywood continues the above trend of immediately revisiting recent successful pictures there is potential for a lot of very interesting projects. How about remaking the Star Wars movies? They could be called "Space Conflicts" and feature Justin Timberlake as Anakin Skywalker, Jennifer Love Hewitt as Padmé, Verne Troyer as Yoda, and Dave Chappelle as Mace Windu. Or how about getting a move on with a readaptation of Scorsese's "The Departed" with Haydn Christensen as Leonardo DiCaprio's character, Justin Timberlake as Matt Damon's character, and the late Walter Matthau as Jack Nicholson's character. They could digitally insert Mr. Matthau's face over a body double. The movie could be called, "Died or Left the Room."

Maybe Hollywood would consider another movie about Truman Capote. They could call it, "That Weird Guy with the Wacky Voice." It could star Gilbert Gottfried or maybe Bud Cort (from "Harold and Maude") as Capote. Not exactly the same pitch or timbre as the actual Truman Capote, but definitely funny. And isn't that what audiences ultimately want from a movie about Truman Capote? It could have a sort of "Three's Company" feel and could focus on his time writing "Breakfast at Tiffany's." Jennifer Love Hewitt would play Harper Lee, of course.

Perhaps the best suggestion might be to cast Sir Elton John as Capote, then Hollywood would only have to change the names on the existing "Infamous" movie poster.

Nuts 4 Nuts...

If you are a resident of one of the five boroughs of New York City, most likely you've seen a "Nuts 4 Nuts" cart around town. If you operate one of these carts this is your opportunity to eschew obfuscation! I am a huge supporter of the honey-roasted nut and of the vendors of the Nuts 4 Nuts carts and their cause; however, I have recently become confused by one particular business practice of Nuts 4 Nuts and its subsidiaries. If you have a magnifying glass, you might use it now to look at the picture above and to the left of this text field... and you might want to be sitting down for this one! The usual menu assortment at any cart offers honey-roasted peanuts, cashews, almonds, and... coconuts. Observe the "s" at the end of coconuts. Not coconut, as in shredded, dried, sweetened (or unsweetened), as most of us would expect, but rather some pluralized version. Coconut is only a numerable quantity when whole and in it's small cantaloupe-sized state. So, "coconuts" implies that when one orders this option they receive at least 2 (two) coconuts, whole. Although I have never ordered "coconuts" at a Nuts 4 Nuts cart, I am going to assume that my reasoning in this particular matter is irrefutably airtight and will thus fashion the following questions and arguments as such.

When one orders peanuts or almonds from the Nuts 4 Nuts cart the customer receives his or her order in a small wax-paper cone or bag. Exactly how many coconuts could one fit into a small wax-paper bag, you might ask? Exactly none. A coconut is quite large, too large to fit into a 3-ounce bag. So then, what, a yard compost bag for the coconuts plural? Maybe one of those old-timey dunce caps or an orange construction cone? All good suggestions, yet there appear to be no suitable recepticles for numerous coconuts or even one coconut at any Nuts 4 Nuts cart I've ever seen. Thus, one reason why I have never ordered "coconuts" from a Nuts 4 Nuts cart: who wants to have to carry a bunch of loose coconuts around midtown Manhattan, regardless of how delectibly honey-roasty they are. That is, of course, assuming you are not a juggler, clown, or my step-grandfather (please see earlier blog entry).

I also have to ask, what is the benefit or advantage of the honey-roasted coconut over the common, everyday coconut? Does honey-roasting the exterior of a coconut affect the flavor? Should I be eating that rough hairy exterior? Do the coconuts sold by Nuts 4 Nuts come with floss or a toothpick to deal with the annoying threads that will inevitably get stuck in one's teeth when eating said hairy exterior? Perhaps the honey-roasting process removes all hair from the coconuts. In this case, what guarantee does one have that he or she is investing in 2 (two) or more fine honey-roasted coconuts and not merely 2 (two) or more dark-brown sticky croquet balls. The Nuts 4 Nuts carts do not, as a rule, give out receipts. Imagine the disappointment of arriving home in anticipation of a delicious coconut treat only to discover that you not only have two thoroughly commonplace, albeit sugary, croquet balls but that no court of law in this fine nation would enforce a refund of your hard-earned money without a receipt. As delightful as a good sticky croquet ball or two can be, the injustice of the situation almost makes you nauseous, doesn't it!

Until the Nuts 4 Nuts corporation begins offering sizeable totes and receipts with each purchase I will not take the extraordinary gamble of ordering "coconuts" from their carts despite my tremendous respect for the common nut vendor.

English Language

Preventative Medicine versus Preventive Medicine. I was watching Entertainment Tonight and there was an article discussing how Jessica Simpson, or some such important figure of American pop culture was practicing "preventative medicine." Since I didn't know what "preventative medicine" was, but I did know "preventive medicine" I decided to consult a reference. My Farmer's Almanac had nothing, but according to the Oxford dictionary, the word "preventative" is synonymous with the word "preventive." Really? Yes, you can add that extra "at" to the word and it doesn't change its meaning at all. Wow! My digestative tract began to rumble with the sneaking suspicion that I didn't actually know very much about the English language. It gets worse. Two other words which are synonymous are "irregardless" and "regardless." Seriously, ask an English teacher... or the above pictured Oxford English Dictionary. There isn't even one which is more idiomatic than the other! I was going to posit from these examples that my reversible raincoat can also be described as "irreversible," that the "irreverent" comedy stylings of Eddie Murphy are deeply and solemnly respectful, and that our president is "responsible." Apparently, my reasoning doesn't hold water. I discovered that the synonymity of "irregardless" and "regardless" is an irregular (or perhaps regular??) example of what the prefix "ir" does to a word.  I, for one, find this all to be a little confusing. Someone needs to eschew obfuscatation on this subject, and apparently it isn't going to be me. I suggest we all write to our representatatives in the Legislatative Branch for some clarity and guidance on this subject. I'm looking forward to the 430 page bill (complete with a prescription drug benefit amendment on page 362) that they will create to clearly articulate the rules on this matter.

Does John Kerry cut hair too?

John Edwards, 2004 Democratic Presidential Ticket running mate of John Kerry, has opened a hair salon in Vienna, Virginia just outside of the Capitol Beltway. But, apparently, he is not one of his own clients. This brings me to one of the biggest issues I have with the Legislative Branch of the U.S. government. Why is there nary a good hairstyle to be found amongst the representatives of our nation? Helmet Hair seems to be the unchallenged status quo with these folks. As much as I would like to refer to video captures of C-SPAN and C-SPAN 2, I'm forced to address publicity photos of Brad Pitt, Jake Gyllenhaal, or Jude Law for ideas to give to my hairstylist. Perhaps it's a prerequisite to being elected to public office, whether you are a man or a woman, that your hair look as if it were coiffured at the Legoland University College of Salon Arts (or LUCSA). Myself, I wouldn't trust those guys with my hair: all stupid grins, beady unblinking eyes, and no nose at all. And how articulate could those C-clamp hands of theirs be? I don't see an opposable thumb, do you? An opposable thumb is an absolute necessity when using or running with scissors! They can't even bend at the elbows or knees. And besides, they're still students; I should think any sensible person would prefer a certified professional to someone who's still learning their craft.

Perhaps the solution is to relocate INSIDE the beltway. Since senators are notorious for staying within the Washington D.C. border (when was the last time you actually saw your senator in your home state?), Mr. Edwards is going to have to take the approach of TGI Fridays, Starbucks, and the Smithsonian, and cater to those intractable D.C. insiders by opening branches somewhere between the two K Streets. Yes, D.C. has two K streets, sheer city-planning genius. I suggest Mr. Edwards bring his services to the Mall. This would open up his clientele to tourists and protesters as well. Perhaps his barber services could even be like those three-wheeled McDonalds carts or "street meat" trucks you see tooling around. Wheeled-cart barber services: completely mobile and able to meet the needs of active go-getters who don't have time for stationary, free-standing buildings. Maybe he could offer free CIA or FBI t-shirts or hats with a cut. Tourists love those.

Here's hoping that the hairstyles of our nation's representatives improve!

My cat and the 21st President of the United States, undeniable differences!

Despite the uncannily similar sense of fashion which could be described as "dandy" or "foppish," a striking physical resemblance manifesting itself in a shared affinity for amassing girth and alluring facial hair, and a common namesake (both go by "Chet") there are surprising, some might even say shocking, differences between my cat Chester and a one Mr. Chester A. Arthur. Although perhaps not obvious from the above photographs, Chester the cat is a neutered male cat while Mr. Chester A. Arthur was, according to all historical accounts, an unneutered human man. That small point aside, let us delve into the more subtle yet infinitely more important differences between these two political figures.

Mr. Chester A. Arthur served as Quartermaster General of the State of New York, as well as Collector of the Port of New York, the latter of which was a position bestowed upon him by eighteenth President Ulysses Grant. Although a stalwart supporter of the political process and an active member and volunteer at his local 4-H headquarters, Chester the cat has never held public office. Additionally, poor fundraising and networking skills as well as a general inability to master coherent speech have, time and again, dashed Chester the cat's hopes of being nominated to a winning Presidential ticket. Contrastly, Mr. Chester A. Arthur will forever retain his position in history as our nation's twenty-first President after serving as Vice President under James Garfield. Chester the cat is an avid reader of "Get Fuzzy" and hates the comic strip "Garfield."

Mr. Chester A. Arthur held presidential office for three years and did not seek renomination in 1884 because of failing health. Chester the cat has held the office in our apartment for over 6 years and has no intentions of leaving said office or of ever dying. At this point I should disclose that our cat, like Chester A. Arthur, suffers from acute health concerns. Currently, we have him on a prescription urinary tract food to prevent future infections. But might I also say that all research and firsthand journal accounts have led me to conclude that Chester A. Arthur's bladder and urethra functioned admirably throughout his lifespan. There is absolutely no evidence to suggest that our twenty-first president EVER required precription urinary tract food.

In regard to public policy Chester the cat couldn't be more of a polar opposite to Mr. Arthur. While Chester A. Arthur's Federal Immigration Law excluded paupers, criminals, and lunatics, Chester the cat is an open advocate for paupers, criminals, and lunatics... particularly lunatics. Although embarassed by annual surpluses in government revenue generated by high tariffs Chester A. Arthur ultimately succumbed to congressional pressure and signed the so-called "Mongrel" Tariff Act of 1883. Chester the cat hates dogs!

I expect that all serious readers of this entry will be compelled to fact-check what I have written. However, I am confident that any additional findings will only help to buttress my argument. Despite amazing physical similarities, the mountain of differences, as slight as they may be, must lead one to conclude that Chester the cat and Chester A. Arthur, twenty-first president of the United States, are completely autonomous figures, uninfluenced by the other's public policies and personal opinions. And with that, Mr. Chairman, I would like to yield the remainder of my time to the gentleman from North Dakota.

Send in the clowns!

Apparently, my step-grandfather is a clown. Time to eschew obfuscation you say? Alright, my grandmother on my father's side of the family recently re-married after being widowed for several years. I know this because she included pictures of the wedding in this year's electronically sent annual Christmas letter, which came up as an Excel spreadsheet on my computer. The spreadsheet was full of delightful descriptions and photos of happy people enjoying a moment of wedded bliss. Seemingly unconnected with the rest of the document, in the upper left-hand corner appeared a grainy JPEG of a clown's head labeled with the text: "Buzzy" the Clown. Buzzy was the name also given to the man in the photographs who was holding my grandmother's hands reciting marriage vows, so I'm going to assume that both pictured men are one in the same. I suppose since the name Buzzy was treated with quotation marks and the words "the Clown" were not (the opposite of what I've done here) it is possible that a.) he is not actually named Buzzy, and b.) he is almost certainly a bona fide clown and not just a clowny, jokey sort of guy. Notice how the meaning completely shifts if one writes: Buzzy "the Clown."

Being a rational person I can see the positives and negatives to the new extended family dynamic. Having a genuine certified clown in the family has distinct advantages. A family member who can provide his or her own juggling pins, seltzer bottles, and purple 1970 VW Beetle filled with 48 clown friends is a financial goldmine come family reunion time. No longer would one have to hire "out of house" for such vital reunion necessities.

On the other hand, I can't say I look forward to the countless Christmas and birthday cans of nuts filled with springy fake snakes. Also, I'm not sure how many times I'll be able to take the inevitable squirt to the face from the pansy on his lapel. Nor do I imagine that a clown suit is machine washable. The dry-cleaning bills will most likely be astronomical for my grandmother once cream pie throwing season arrives. That's why I hope that Buzzy (if that's even his real name) is that kind of hobo clown who wears only a barrel with suspenders attached to it. Easy cleaning and maintenance!

If you would like to hire him for birthdays or Bar/Bat Mitzvahs please contact me. I am told that his schedule for 2007 is pretty much full, but there are still many dates available in March and August of 2008. Book before September and his services will include balloon animals for a party of twenty-five. High-diving trick pony is extra charge.

Explanation

I can't really take credit for the title of this blog. Having a third grade vocabulary has allowed me to read and/or comprehend little more than books 1-3 of the Harry Potter series, Encyclopedia Brown and the Case of the Disgusting Sneakers, and Choose Your Own Adventure: Your Code Name is Jonah. That's why I like the funny pages, or as I prefer to call them: extremely short graphic novellas. Having moved to New York, my wife and I subscribe to the New York Times, which evidently doesn't have an extremely short graphic novellas section, so I have to pretend to "read" the annoying wordy part of the paper, which is everything. I'm sure our cat thinks I'm that two-headed monster from Sesame Street, "Hez......bollah, Hez.....bollah, Hez....bollah, Hez...bollah, Hez..bollah, Hezbollah!!!!" Without a doubt, I'm the only person in my building squealing with pride after sounding that one out. And I'm certain that by printing the word Hezbollah on this page I will now longer be able to board an airplane. Have a nice day.

Anywho (I'm told that's the hip way to write "anyhow," kind of like using this thing --> ;) or these --> LOL, BFF, BTW, POS, ROTFL, and who can forget THWEOQYIUATYOZXMOMP), the phrase "eschew obfuscation" means to deliberately avoid or abstain from being confusing, unclear or unintelligible, and while writing this sentence I had to refer back to the dictionary six times, Oxford not Websters, biatch! A good friend of mine had a t-shirt with this phrase printed on it. He wore the shirt in 1996, and I finally figured out what it meant last July, thanks owed to another good friend who works for the State Department and her boyfriend who is actually a member of Mensa, no joke, he took the test and everything. They also pointed out to me that there is, in fact, irony intended by this phrase... you know, like rain on your wedding day, or a free ride when you've already paid.

Honestly, I just kind of like the way "eschew obfuscation" rolls off the tongue, like those Japanese pop songs made up entirely of random English words that the artist or singer thinks sound nice together. And slap a Hello Kitty picture on this and it could be the next hot thing on that little island in the Pacific!

I began this page as a challenge to myself. I simply must eschew television-watching. If the energy I devote to this blog has the potential to distract me from tuning in to TBS to watch Blade II or Legally Blonde for the twenty-seventh and nineteenth time, respectively, then mission-accomplished. I think my problem with time management as it relates to the television is owed in large part to my career, which has me frequently staying in anonymous hotel rooms. No, I'm not an employee of the "oldest profession," but rather I am a "vocal performance professional" and yes, there is a distinction between the two. Right, time to eschew a little obfuscation: "vocal performance professional," or VPP for short, means I use my voice to earn a livelihood, like Pavarotti, Mandy Patinkin, or Oliver Twist. Other famous VPPs include William Shatner (vis-à-vis his Beat-Poet stylings in the Priceline commercial), Moses, and The Naked Cowboy at Times Square. My job demands constant travelling. Travelling to strange and enchanting new lands. Places like Cleveland, Ohio. Surrounded by such exoticism, I find myself longing for the familiar and mundane, thus I turn to television... or JoAnn's Fabrics, but that's another entry.

So, I'll thank you now for your infinite patience in reading the above ghost-written entry and in the truest spirit of Choose Your Own Adventure I will close with:

THE END...?