Nuts 4 Nuts...

If you are a resident of one of the five boroughs of New York City, most likely you've seen a "Nuts 4 Nuts" cart around town. If you operate one of these carts this is your opportunity to eschew obfuscation! I am a huge supporter of the honey-roasted nut and of the vendors of the Nuts 4 Nuts carts and their cause; however, I have recently become confused by one particular business practice of Nuts 4 Nuts and its subsidiaries. If you have a magnifying glass, you might use it now to look at the picture above and to the left of this text field... and you might want to be sitting down for this one! The usual menu assortment at any cart offers honey-roasted peanuts, cashews, almonds, and... coconuts. Observe the "s" at the end of coconuts. Not coconut, as in shredded, dried, sweetened (or unsweetened), as most of us would expect, but rather some pluralized version. Coconut is only a numerable quantity when whole and in it's small cantaloupe-sized state. So, "coconuts" implies that when one orders this option they receive at least 2 (two) coconuts, whole. Although I have never ordered "coconuts" at a Nuts 4 Nuts cart, I am going to assume that my reasoning in this particular matter is irrefutably airtight and will thus fashion the following questions and arguments as such.

When one orders peanuts or almonds from the Nuts 4 Nuts cart the customer receives his or her order in a small wax-paper cone or bag. Exactly how many coconuts could one fit into a small wax-paper bag, you might ask? Exactly none. A coconut is quite large, too large to fit into a 3-ounce bag. So then, what, a yard compost bag for the coconuts plural? Maybe one of those old-timey dunce caps or an orange construction cone? All good suggestions, yet there appear to be no suitable recepticles for numerous coconuts or even one coconut at any Nuts 4 Nuts cart I've ever seen. Thus, one reason why I have never ordered "coconuts" from a Nuts 4 Nuts cart: who wants to have to carry a bunch of loose coconuts around midtown Manhattan, regardless of how delectibly honey-roasty they are. That is, of course, assuming you are not a juggler, clown, or my step-grandfather (please see earlier blog entry).

I also have to ask, what is the benefit or advantage of the honey-roasted coconut over the common, everyday coconut? Does honey-roasting the exterior of a coconut affect the flavor? Should I be eating that rough hairy exterior? Do the coconuts sold by Nuts 4 Nuts come with floss or a toothpick to deal with the annoying threads that will inevitably get stuck in one's teeth when eating said hairy exterior? Perhaps the honey-roasting process removes all hair from the coconuts. In this case, what guarantee does one have that he or she is investing in 2 (two) or more fine honey-roasted coconuts and not merely 2 (two) or more dark-brown sticky croquet balls. The Nuts 4 Nuts carts do not, as a rule, give out receipts. Imagine the disappointment of arriving home in anticipation of a delicious coconut treat only to discover that you not only have two thoroughly commonplace, albeit sugary, croquet balls but that no court of law in this fine nation would enforce a refund of your hard-earned money without a receipt. As delightful as a good sticky croquet ball or two can be, the injustice of the situation almost makes you nauseous, doesn't it!

Until the Nuts 4 Nuts corporation begins offering sizeable totes and receipts with each purchase I will not take the extraordinary gamble of ordering "coconuts" from their carts despite my tremendous respect for the common nut vendor.

English Language

Preventative Medicine versus Preventive Medicine. I was watching Entertainment Tonight and there was an article discussing how Jessica Simpson, or some such important figure of American pop culture was practicing "preventative medicine." Since I didn't know what "preventative medicine" was, but I did know "preventive medicine" I decided to consult a reference. My Farmer's Almanac had nothing, but according to the Oxford dictionary, the word "preventative" is synonymous with the word "preventive." Really? Yes, you can add that extra "at" to the word and it doesn't change its meaning at all. Wow! My digestative tract began to rumble with the sneaking suspicion that I didn't actually know very much about the English language. It gets worse. Two other words which are synonymous are "irregardless" and "regardless." Seriously, ask an English teacher... or the above pictured Oxford English Dictionary. There isn't even one which is more idiomatic than the other! I was going to posit from these examples that my reversible raincoat can also be described as "irreversible," that the "irreverent" comedy stylings of Eddie Murphy are deeply and solemnly respectful, and that our president is "responsible." Apparently, my reasoning doesn't hold water. I discovered that the synonymity of "irregardless" and "regardless" is an irregular (or perhaps regular??) example of what the prefix "ir" does to a word.  I, for one, find this all to be a little confusing. Someone needs to eschew obfuscatation on this subject, and apparently it isn't going to be me. I suggest we all write to our representatatives in the Legislatative Branch for some clarity and guidance on this subject. I'm looking forward to the 430 page bill (complete with a prescription drug benefit amendment on page 362) that they will create to clearly articulate the rules on this matter.

Does John Kerry cut hair too?

John Edwards, 2004 Democratic Presidential Ticket running mate of John Kerry, has opened a hair salon in Vienna, Virginia just outside of the Capitol Beltway. But, apparently, he is not one of his own clients. This brings me to one of the biggest issues I have with the Legislative Branch of the U.S. government. Why is there nary a good hairstyle to be found amongst the representatives of our nation? Helmet Hair seems to be the unchallenged status quo with these folks. As much as I would like to refer to video captures of C-SPAN and C-SPAN 2, I'm forced to address publicity photos of Brad Pitt, Jake Gyllenhaal, or Jude Law for ideas to give to my hairstylist. Perhaps it's a prerequisite to being elected to public office, whether you are a man or a woman, that your hair look as if it were coiffured at the Legoland University College of Salon Arts (or LUCSA). Myself, I wouldn't trust those guys with my hair: all stupid grins, beady unblinking eyes, and no nose at all. And how articulate could those C-clamp hands of theirs be? I don't see an opposable thumb, do you? An opposable thumb is an absolute necessity when using or running with scissors! They can't even bend at the elbows or knees. And besides, they're still students; I should think any sensible person would prefer a certified professional to someone who's still learning their craft.

Perhaps the solution is to relocate INSIDE the beltway. Since senators are notorious for staying within the Washington D.C. border (when was the last time you actually saw your senator in your home state?), Mr. Edwards is going to have to take the approach of TGI Fridays, Starbucks, and the Smithsonian, and cater to those intractable D.C. insiders by opening branches somewhere between the two K Streets. Yes, D.C. has two K streets, sheer city-planning genius. I suggest Mr. Edwards bring his services to the Mall. This would open up his clientele to tourists and protesters as well. Perhaps his barber services could even be like those three-wheeled McDonalds carts or "street meat" trucks you see tooling around. Wheeled-cart barber services: completely mobile and able to meet the needs of active go-getters who don't have time for stationary, free-standing buildings. Maybe he could offer free CIA or FBI t-shirts or hats with a cut. Tourists love those.

Here's hoping that the hairstyles of our nation's representatives improve!