Meat and Liquor? Like Guns and Butter? Not even close.

Tommy's Joynt restaurant is a classic San Francisco hangout. The original Tommy, a San Francisco radio personality and Parks Commissioner named Tommy Harris, opened his restaurant in 1947. The restaurant has enjoyed a sort of "Cheers" notoriety and has seen the business of Pulitzer Prize winning columnist Herb Caen, opera singer Jussi Björling, and senator Dianne Feinstein. So what is it that sets Tommy's Joynt apart from other establishments? It could be the enormous selection of hearty items, all for under $8 and many for under $5; however, my guess is that the pledge of Hot Corned Beef Cocktails as advertised by a neon sign in the window (as pictured above) is what brings the customers in droves. That, or perhaps it's the ingenious way in which the "y" in "Joynt" on the restaurant sign resembles a little cocktail glass... perhaps filled with juicy hot corned beef grain alcohol.

Upon entering the establishment, I sat down at the bar intending to order a Hot Corned Beef Cocktail. I figured combining two items I enjoy separately would yield fantastic results. It made me wonder about other potentially glorious culinary coalitions: rare prime rib and Boston cream pie, hollandaise sauce and Orange Julius, Neapolitan ice cream and turkey bacon! YUMMY! I decided the Hot Corned Beef Cocktail could use a Sauerkraut and Russian Dressing Tom Collins chaser and began an addendum to my order when the bar tender interrupted me.

I was pained to discover that the neon sign in the window was sheer false advertising. The bar tender claimed that "Hot Corned Beef" and "Cocktails" were two separate offerings and that Tommy's Joynt did, in fact, serve both but not together in the same glass. Despite a threat of a call to the Better Business Bureau of San Francisco to report their specious promise of a tasty meat beverage, the bar tender declined to make me a Hot Corned Beef Cocktail. I insisted that I'd settle for lukewarm corned beef. He refused my compromise. Well then, how about some corned beef-infused vodka on the rocks? No dice. Pinto beans and hamhock gin martini? Nope. And, get this, even though Dungeness is truly huge in San Francisco they didn't have even a halfway respectable 12-year-old crab cake bourbon. I was forced to settle for a Miller Genuine Draft and the BBQ Sloppy Joe Sandwich with mashed potatoes. Of course, I had to mix them together myself, but ultimately it was quite tasty!

Playing the 'Numbers' Game

A time-tested tradition of inserting a verb in gerund form into titles of both television shows and movies is being challenged by a growing trend. As common as it has been to see movies and TV programs with titles like: "Waiting," "Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon," "Saving Silverman," "Kissing Jessica Stein," "Crossing Jordan," "Stealing Heaven" and any number of other "Stealing ---" movies and television shows, "Running Scared" AND "With Scissors," "Chasing" AND "Judging Amy," and "Kicking and Screaming" (double points for two gerund form verbs!) the winds of change are beginning to blow.

The new guideline in television is that all shows must have some kind of number or reference to a number in the title. "Studio 60," "30 Rock," "Six Degrees," "The Nine," and "3 lbs." are all new shows which adhere to this rule. There's even a show called "Numb3rs." Note the number in the name as well as the name actually being 'Numbers.' How clever! Clearly, television producers are simply responding to the overwhelming success of shows like "Six Feet Under," "Third Rock From the Sun," and "Two and a Half Men," and have decided that the success of these television shows is based not on the chemistry of the cast or the writing, but rather on the careful selection of a title which caters to our inherent American sensibilities, in this case our incontestable love of... numerals(!?!). It's not just television, Hollywood has joined 'number mania' ("21 Grams," "2 Fast 2 Furious," "Cheaper By the Dozen," and "Cheaper By the Dozen 2"). Strangely, secondary educational institutions, which are often a reliable barometer of pop culture trends don't seem to be following suit. Majors in Math, Science, and even Numerology remain conspicuously low compared with other countries of similar social and economic demographic makeup. But are the institutions to blame? According to former Harvard President Lawrence H. Summers and Teen Talk Barbie, it is undeniable that for at least half of the population, "Math is hard!"

Clearly, Americans love numbers, but they don't like to "do math." That is why I am going to suggest the following changes. DVDs, videos, and books ought to be repackaged, replacing words or letters with numbers whenever possible. New titles will be "6 and the City," "What's 8-ing Gilb3rt Gr8p," 'Who's Afr8 of Virginia WØlf," "2 Kill a Mock1ngb1rd," "Harold and Kumar Go 2 Wh8t Castle," and "An American Tail: 5-L Goes West." We could even tweak "Fahrenheit 451" to "Fahrenh8 451." I think the gr8er appeal of the latter title is obvious. That being said, DVDs, videos, or books with mathematical principals or concepts in their titles or content will be renamed or retooled accordingly. For example, the movie "π" will become "American Pie 4." Everything between the front and back covers of Stephen Hawking's book "A Brief History of Time" will be replaced with 224 pages of Count von Count retrospectives, and so on.

"Thrrrree! Ah! Ah! Ah! I love to count!"

Infamous... He's not just famous, he's IN-famous!

The movie "Infamous" has now been in the theaters since mid-October and I still haven't seen it. I saw "Capote" last year and although I'm missing out on what some reviews have described as a "funnier" version of "Capote" my main question really has nothing to do with the comedic aspects of "Infamous." Like most movie-goers I'm confused as to why Hollywood has chosen to produce two films of the same subject matter in just over a year. That being said, I can certainly see the necessity for a "funnier" look at the eccentricities of Truman Capote. Last year's attempt was not very funny at all! In fact, I thought "Capote" was supposed to be a drama, that's how un-funny it was!

I think that if Hollywood continues the above trend of immediately revisiting recent successful pictures there is potential for a lot of very interesting projects. How about remaking the Star Wars movies? They could be called "Space Conflicts" and feature Justin Timberlake as Anakin Skywalker, Jennifer Love Hewitt as Padmé, Verne Troyer as Yoda, and Dave Chappelle as Mace Windu. Or how about getting a move on with a readaptation of Scorsese's "The Departed" with Haydn Christensen as Leonardo DiCaprio's character, Justin Timberlake as Matt Damon's character, and the late Walter Matthau as Jack Nicholson's character. They could digitally insert Mr. Matthau's face over a body double. The movie could be called, "Died or Left the Room."

Maybe Hollywood would consider another movie about Truman Capote. They could call it, "That Weird Guy with the Wacky Voice." It could star Gilbert Gottfried or maybe Bud Cort (from "Harold and Maude") as Capote. Not exactly the same pitch or timbre as the actual Truman Capote, but definitely funny. And isn't that what audiences ultimately want from a movie about Truman Capote? It could have a sort of "Three's Company" feel and could focus on his time writing "Breakfast at Tiffany's." Jennifer Love Hewitt would play Harper Lee, of course.

Perhaps the best suggestion might be to cast Sir Elton John as Capote, then Hollywood would only have to change the names on the existing "Infamous" movie poster.